So…if you were desperate to see Fifty Shades of Grey, then you probably have by now, so it’s unlikely that me telling you not to bother is going to save you 2 hours of your life.

However, if you haven’t, really don’t bother!

I don’t know why i am surprised, the book isn’t exactly enthralling, but it did captivate a world-wide audience through the My Grey phenomenon, so I thought I’d see if the film was any good, plus it was a really nice excuse to go to the cinema with my mum and sister.

I was silly, however, to think that being nearly 34 weeks pregnant and sitting still for 2 hours was even a possibility.

If you were watching this piece of movie magic (sarcasm) alongside me at 730pm last night in Screen 2,  then I apologise for the amount of noise coming from the back row (REALLY no pun intended).

From the minute we sat down, I started to have the niggles of back pain and wanting to move to get comfortable, never a good sign when about to embark on a 2 hour film.

The film opened, and for the first 45 mins or so, I sat through the most monotone and flat dialogue I have ever witnessed in film form.  Honestly, it is SO bad.  As the film wasn’t worthy of my attention, I started focusing on my bump and baby’s movements, which were a bit quiet at first, until he started booting me around, which made me more uncomfortable.  I’d had enough of my salted popcorn by this stage and had finished my 7Up, so off to the loo I toddled.  It says a lot about a film when you find reading the film line up advert on the back of the toilet door more interesting.  I considered how long I could realistically sit there until mum got worried and would come looking for me.  I waddled back in and took my seat, at which point my mum was coming out.   She offered me a drink, so I ordered a hot chocolate, and she asked me to find out what Kay wanted.  Kay couldn’t hear me so I had to go back to the seat to ask.  Coke please.  Right, “mum…Coke” (whispered).  “Mum…Coke” a little louder.  “MUM…COKE” said much louder!  Nope, she still couldn’t hear and was on her way out the door, so I waddled back down, stomping the steps as I went, into the toilet to relay Kay’s drink order.  Then I went back in, took my seat, shortly followed my mum rejoining us and me having to move.  All this during a rather raunchy, quiet, scene!  No, we weren’t annoying at all!!

The next few minutes were like torture for me.  The hot chocolate gave me a warm flush, I felt sick, dizzy and a bit like I was going into labour!  My mum rubbed my back, which helped, but I needed a stretch and some air.  So out I went again!  I had a nice little chat with the girl on the front desk whilst stood outside cooling down.  I spied some very comfy looking sofas in the foyer, and seriously considered setting up camp there until the film was over.  Perhaps I could have a little snooze?

I reluctantly went back in, in the hope that mum and Kay would want to leave, but they were at least watching the film and getting their £7 worth!  Mum offered to rub my hand, and proceeded to give me a hand and arm massage, at which point, I fell asleep!

I was nice and relaxed after this, and managed to watch the remaining scenes of this awful film.  Jamie Dornan was very nice to look at, but not worth having to sit through the whispery monotone voice of Dakota Johnson, whilst she annoyingly bit her lip!

I was relieved to get out, and enjoyed getting home, putting my feet up and watching an episode of House of Cards to re-stimulate my brain.

I will not put myself through a pregnant cinema trip again, or pay money to watch any more of the fifty shades franchise.  I’m far more excited about the fifty shades of baby poop that my little boy will be producing – oh how things have changed!

By the way, if you are reading this and would like to read more, have a look at my past posts, and come and find me on Facebook.